Having a partner with ADHD is not for the timid, precious or easily offended.

There’s a song that’s often on repeat in my head.

 The tune of it is usually familiar; the lyrics often silly, rude, catchy and nothing like the original. They are songs and catchphrases for my mistakes, for when I cook, for politics, for my own physical daily actions, for no reason at all; and they all come from my partner. Why? 

He has ADHD. 

And so the songs are part of my life. One part. 

My accidental knitting of a massive mitten caused a whole album of songs, with titles including ’Maggie’s Massive Mitten’; ‘Can we all sleep in it?’ and ‘Oh what a glove’.

Having a partner with ADHD is not for the timid, precious or easily offended. It is not for those who value others organisation and routine above everything; and it is certainly not for those who are looking for a partnership where the Knight in Shining Armour saves the day. 

ADHD in relationships is often messy, and if you said the word Knight you’d most likely get a wonderfully creative demonstration and need to buy more tinfoil.
ADHD has been given a bad rep. It can be disorganised, without routine and will definitely steamroller over those fragile emotions we passive-aggressively hint for someone to pry from us when we are feeling down.

How do I do it?
I am very aware of who I am. I can happily live alone and not require the emotional-crutch that is often expected in relationships. I don’t expect to be entertained or to depend fully on someone. Getting yourself emotionally dented is a risk factor, but that’s just how it is. 

Don’t get me wrong, far from pointing out the many ‘failings’ of ADHD, or indeed painting a disproportionate picture, this is about YOU in your relationship. If you can be you and know your limits and expectations, then being with someone with ADHD is the most fulfilling relationship you will ever have. Because you’ll be living in reality. 

If you want someone to change into who you want, have unrealistic ideas of what relationships are supposed to look like, or need to be on an emotional pedestal or centre of attention all the time then it’s not for you. Walk away now.

But - if you want honesty, excitement (sometimes/often waaaaay to much), spontaneity, hysterical laughter and the most real relationship you could ever have, then stick around and get that mirror up in front of you. Because most likely you’re not exactly perfect either. Expecting perfect in this relationship is futile. Perfect isn’t real. Sorry to burst your bubble.

I’m never bored.
There are daily challenges; but they’re funny ones.....
There’s shopping list roulette; where I get to quietly guess which items won’t be purchased (all of which we do actually need) and what extras were far more interesting at that moment in time or are based on how hungry he was/noises in store/thinking about photography/squirrel/other distractions = creates a bag full of things we definitely didn’t need.

I’ve not been startled for years because the vocal tics in public from the man by my side are not shocking to me anymore; but they do give me a laugh when watching the general public recoil in total fear and confusion. (Or because my sister - who also has ADHD - enjoyed so much to scare me as a child that I am now an emotional husk of a woman?!) 

I’m OK with having our own form of serious conversation, which usually involves him pretending to be serious with a very obvious over-done, concentration-face. It’s hard not to laugh. It’s also hard to take serious seriously afterwards, so neither of us are very serious by the end of it, and no one really looks at that subject as serious ever again. 

I can’t recall the last film or tv series we watched together without his narration - which has the added bonus of his denial of ever having watched it months later. Which I do point out, was most likely due to him talking throughout it, only to watch it for the second time - to whatever point he remembers - and then he’s watched it so will then talk through it again.

Then there’s how often I answer the same question in a day because there are only two ADHD timeframes. Now and Not now. That means retaining information that doesn’t directly relate to him will always be an illusive concept. 
Dates, times, planning and routine are his struggle. So we have boards for that. Because double booking gets tedious and actually ends in embarrassment and stress for him.

I’ve lived my whole life alongside ADHD.
My sister and I were (and still are) best friends. She taught me how to see the world differently. To laugh when you want (and often when we shouldn’t) to experience the emotion as it happens, and to be brave. Having had ADHD from an early age, she was re-diagnosed as an adult and we have journeyed together through the good bits and bad bits. 

I understand the concept of mundane being ADHD’s nemesis. The kryptonite to their superpowers. 

I’m a natural introvert, calm, routine based and organised; so instead of getting cross, I use my skills to help. Isn’t that what a partnership is? Everyone brings something to the table.
I look at what I bring compared to my sisters and partners, and it seems quite dull and boring compared to the wild and hilarious rides and energy they bring, but mine is part of the balance needed; the steady acceptance and understanding so many adults with ADHD don’t get in a relationship. Oh and a really, really good sense of humour. It helps.

Yes it’s mildly irritating to find 4 pairs of socks dotted around our apartment daily, because the first four pairs were put down and ‘lost,’ and I’m assuming he’s actually wearing the 5th pair?
I do get frustrated when I’m engrossed in something and he’s playing the spoons in front of me accompanied with an equally silly dance. Definitely distracting. 

I admit I roll my eyes sometimes when we can only move on with a conversation if I repeat his current silly phrase ‘just once, just once and then I’ll stop’ in exactly the same way he said it. 
Yes there are times when I need to prove that he does actually have ‘other/more clothes’ so no let’s not throw everything away and buy new ones.......it is a bit stressful. But if you wear the same 6 items and never look in your wardrobe you would think that you now only have 6 items of clothing in your possession.
I’d by lying if I said that rushing my drink on a night out because were moving on to something else less boring, and waiting is impossible, gets me vaguely irritated but also (happily) very drunk! 

Yes, there have been times I’ve been annoyed by the shrieking man by my side in public places (because it’s funny I’m told to make people jump) whilst I watch the poor pedestrians whip their heads about in whiplash-causing-speed to check if they need to run from something imminently threatening.

And then there’s the problem of deodorant bottles in every room - because it’s usually not in the place he left it (one place would be a sensible option?) so over the past 3 years we have a collection, which now makes me smile as I discover them. It is part of who he is. 

And that’s just it. It’s part of him. He has it and lives with it too. So why get cross with something that is beyond our control. Just accept it. Accept him. Warts and all. It’s our best life. I wouldn’t change a thing. 

I look back at my life and I am amused at my memories. The joy I got, the laughter and the fits of giggles, the experiences and challenges - all of which would be missing with out these two people in my life. I’m even more excited for the memories in our future that my dull brain couldn’t even imagine without them.

So living alongside ADHD is challenging.
It’s not always funny, but it will be; mainly when you don’t want it to be...

Written by Maggie, with many thanks.

Photo credit: Lee Farmer